What type of Gooner are you? Part One of what will probably be a one-part series. 😉

Arsenal Emergency Press Conference. March 31st, 2013. Easter Sunday…

An Invinciblog visual tribute to Arsenal legend David “Rocky” Rocastle. (March 31, 2013 is the 12th anniversary of Rocky’s death, at the age 33, of non-Hodgkins lymphoma.)

Our motto says it all: Victory Through Harmony. Perhaps that’s the biggest lesson we have to learn? As Gunners. If we’re ever to start winning again…

Another day. Another news conference. Another opportunity for our poker-faced, fork-tongued, sweet-talking manager to perfect the dark art of opacity.

A cockroach can survive for a few weeks without its head. Chelsea survived at least as long without John Terry.

There’s a lot Gunners can learn from Science and Nature. Fools Rule brings you a few curious factoids, and applies them to the Arsenal Experience. Enjoy!

On May 11, 2001, Arsenal lost the FA Cup Final to Liverpool. 2-1, in Cardiff.

On the same day, in Santa Barbara, California, beloved author and Arsenal supporter Douglas Adams’ world did end. He died suddenly of a heart attack at the tender age of 49.

Let’s just say it was a bad day for Gooners and leave it at that.

The following is an imaginary interview with Douglas Adams. (DA) – conducted by yours truly: Batmandela (BM). Mr. Adams’ replies are culled, verbatim, from his numerous books, letters and scripts. It is an interview I would have loved to have conducted during Douglas Adams’ lifetime. But things don’t always work out the way we planned.

I have a feeling, though, that he’d have found this concept mildly amusing…

Gunner’s Handbook: Scoring Goals is not that different to landing planes. What Arsenal could learn from Air Traffic Controllers.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Um… Gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lord Atticus Barton-Shawcross. I am a retired SAS Colonel. I spent 23 years working in Covert Operations, until changes in modern warfare, introduced by chicken-shit – excuse my French – civilian commanders, severely curtailed our ability to operate in the effective manner to which we were accustomed.

The 'new rules' of combat essentially emasculated us, by introducing restrictive procedural guidelines, punitive post-operation review, and political oversight. Basically – we had our nuts removed, and replaced with estrogen-infused, non-toxic, hypo-allergenic potpourri pouches.

Killing people just wasn't fun any more. Which is why I left.

I started my own 'Private Security and Logistics' company. I sold toilet paper to the Armed Forces for $5.00 a roll. And then charged them $5.00 to remove the cardboard tubes when the paper was finished. Stuff like that. And I used the millions of dollars I made to create my own army. And get things done the old way, if you catch my drift.

In short – I found a way to do what I loved, however the frick I wanted, and get paid a lot of money doing it.

What the hell has this got to do … Read More »

Arsenal Inc. seems to have forgotten to include an essential material in the building of their Emirates Empire. Is it too late?

Invinciblog takes an in-depth look at the challenges facing Arsenal.

Invinciblog takes an in-depth look at the challenges facing Arsenal.

When I started Invinciblog in mid-August, it was my intention to create an Arsenal blog that was different. Eclectic. Unpredictable. Personal. There are some superb blogs out there – brilliant in their analysis of all aspects of Arsenal: the team, the tactics, the finances, the politics – written by Gooners far more qualified than I in providing insightful commentary on the daily ups-and-downs, ins-and-outs, comings-and-goings (or goings-and-goings) of the Club.

I wanted to present a unique window on the Gunner Experience. Specifically, this Gunner's experience. And, in the interest of freshness, I wanted to explore different ways of presenting the agonies and ecstacies to which Arsenal fans willingly submit themselves by choosing to support this particular club, using different media, satire, parody, divination…

Being a football fan is like subscribing to the world's greatest soap opera. Its plot twists and turns, the characters rise and fall; it is drama, unscripted, relentless. Football is Life made visible. Politics, Economics, Spirituality, Anthropology – they are concepts made tangible, objectified, when viewed through the prism of the Beautiful Game. Allowing yourself to fall under Football's spell means giving yourself over completely to the power of the moment – placing your current well-being in the hands … Read More »

There is only one thing standing between Football and the adoption of essential technologies, which have proved so effective in other major competitive sports (Tennis, Rugby, Cricket). That thing is a wrinkly, bald-headed, big Swiss cheese named Septic Bladder (Name changed to protect identity) – the President of football governing body, FUFA (Name changed to protect identity).

Arsenal’s not going down the plug anytime soon. But if it does – here’s a little yellow rubber duck to cheer you up. Fools rule.

There are Laws that govern everything – from which way up your toast lands when you drop it, to how your finger accidentally pushes “SEND” when that’s the last thing you wanted to do. For the first time ever (on this blog, at least) – I have gathered a collection of these Laws, to shed some light on why Arsenal behave like they do. When you’re about to tear your hair out – reach for this instead. And realize that everything will be OK in the end. And if it’s not OK – it’s not the end. 😉

Pitchfork and torch sales are up. So are black scarf sales. And apparently Cleaver & Gush – (Purveyors of Fine Guillotines – By Appointment To Her Majesty The Queen) have had an inordinate number of hits on their website. Which can only mean one thing:

Yup. Some fans may be content to just sit back and watch their Arsenal slide into obscurity. Others are revolting.

You can catch the latter at any given moment: indiscriminately flaming other online Gooners. Hysterically tweeching:

“We want our Arsenal back! #WengerOut”

“Y r hapy with decade of no troaphy Arsenal? UR n idiot. Same like Wenger. #WengerOut”

“Wenger is runing our club. We need Guadoila hell fix it Barcilona always win silverwere. #PepIn #WengerOut”

Temperatures are rising. Fingers are being pointed. Matches are being boycotted. Marches are being planned. The team is being booed. (And all the while, the media gleefully amplifies the noise – not the signal – perhaps because it fits in better with their let’s-criticize-Arsenal-at-every-opportunity agenda?)

Possibly inspired by the Arab Spring, or the Occupy Movement – angry Arsenal fans are saying ‘enough is enough’ and clamouring for heads to roll… starting with the head of our once-revered Manager, Arséne Wenger. And ostensibly followed by those … Read More »

Temperatures are rising. Arsenal is boo-ed off the pitch at half time. Things could turn ugly…

A rather ruffled ARSÉNE WENGER pushes a large shopping cart packed with footballers up to the counter. He fumbles through his pockets, eventually producing a fistful of wrinkled receipts, which he places on the counter…

PG13 – Viewer discretion advised…
A risqué look at ‘alternative’ revenue sources.

The story of Parcival is practically word-for-word the story of our hunky French striker! It’s like History repeating itself! History repeating itself! And here’s the good part…

Today we’re going to make a meal out of that simplest, most traditional of breakfasts…

Exclusive! Excerpts from Arséne Wenger’s personal diaries*… Le Prof, as you’ve never seen him before: Raw and exposed.

(*Not really)

What do you do when your throat’s on fire, your sinuses are exploding and your fever’s rising? You wake up in the middle of the night and write a haiku for each member of the Arsenal squad, that’s what. See if you can figure them all out…

I’m not the kind of person who lets facts and stats get in the way of what I believe. (You’ve probably realized that by now.) So I have to rely on other things to support my fantastical Arsenal theories, such as the Tarot, or silly quotes. That way, I’m always right, and no-one can argue with me or prove I’m an idiot.

Is it a bird? is it a plane? is it Superman? No, wait… It’s just dust on the lens…

Us Gunners are a passionate bunch. No doubt about it. And competitive rivalry between clubs is an essential part of being a supporter. But, in the same way that we run the club with solid principles, and play the game with a sense of style, so should we, I believe, conduct ourselves in an appropriate manner.

The Arsenal fairy tale du jour is that Ian Wright, Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp AND Robin van Persie all opened their Arsenal league goal-scoring accounts against Southampton…

They say we are all dying from the moment we’re born. Likewise: from the moment a player signs for us, he is already heading for the door. I have a solution for this – which may sound harsh – but I do believe that if it is performed humanely, it may solve the problem…

Shakespeare (whoever that really is) was a very clever man. If he was alive today he’d probably be Aaron Spelling, and live in a fancy mansion in Bel-Air. (If he was a bit of a thug, he’d be Harvey Weinstein). I say this, because Shakespeare was way ahead of his time. He wrote some of Hollywood’s best screenplays before movie screens had even been invented.

Now, it’s important to note here that I’m not a historian. Or even a scientist. But I think it’s safe to assume that the main reason they didn’t bother inventing the movie screen back in the Dark Ages – remember, there was no electricity back then – is because they couldn’t find a candle big enough to project film without setting it on fire. (I’m sure medieval Edisons experimented frantically, and that there may even have been filmed evidence of these projection experiments, but sadly, the evidence would have been lost during the experiments themselves. So, alas, my theory can never be proved. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Shakespeare…)

There is another reason that Shakespeare were a very clever collective, and that reason is the inspiration of this blog. You see: each of Shakespeare’s screenplays had a … Read More »

Four of Cups: Weariness, disgust, aversion, imaginary vexations, as if the wine of this world had caused satiety only; another wine, as if a fairy gift, is now offered the wastrel, but he sees no consolation therein. This is also a card of blended pleasure. Contrarieties.

I'm constantly amazed by the card my iPad Tarot App spits up for me when I finally find the nerve to update this new Arsenal blog of mine. (By the way – in the event that you're a Gunner who has clicked on a link to this post from a trusted Twitter source – don't fret: you haven't accidentally stumbled on some vacuously whimsical Dark Arts weblog!)

Despite a carefully considered warning from the fantastically talented @arse2mouse – I have decided to plough on (rewardless) with the crazy idea of allowing a Tarot deck to dictate my invinciblog subject matter… Like sex, it was slightly daunting at first. But now I'm getting the hang of it, and starting to have fun with the new positions I'm presented. (Perhaps this blog would be more aptly called Crouching Gooner, Hidden Tarot!)

Apparently good sex involves a fair amount of extra-sensory perception. 😉 Knowing when to put this … Read More »

“Prudence, safety, success, accomplishment, certitude, discernment…”

Well, another D-Day comes and goes. The shelling stops and the casualties are counted. After the grief and the licking of the wounds, time to regroup and take stock. The battle is over, but the war has just begun…

Arsenal was under siege on numerous fronts before winter's curtain lifted, and summer's silly season began. The brain confirmed what the heart suspected: we once again had top-ranking double-agents in our midst, turncoats lured to our greatest adversaries by the promise of silver and gold.

We struck preëmptively, and secured potential deputies. We put ourselves in advanced positions for vital reinforcements and acquisitions. We seemed to have the ammunition and desire to reverse our misfortune – but ultimately, for reasons beyond our control, the opportunities came and went, and we had to remain content to merely hold our lines, and trust that we had enough firepower to get us through the rapidly approaching hostilities.

“Prudence, safety, discernment…”

Once again, we have a fanbase up in arms about our transfer window (in)activity. Despite the overt criticism of last year's panicky deadline day shopping spree, the Goonerverse clamoured for purchases which, in the light of a new day, … Read More »

“When is a door not a door? When it is ajar…”
“When is a contract not a contract..?”

It bothered me during the Great Cescape – when our club captain, with four years remaining on his contract, was allowed to throw the world’s longest, sulkiest hissy-fit – making himself useless to the Club, and forcing a move back to Barcelona.

It bothered me this week, when Alex “Blingalicious” Song slouched off to follow Fabregas to basque in golder pastures. (Our Top Deck midfielder was supposedly unhappy with his mere £55 000-per-week salary – hence the insolence? – and before you could say “WTF..?” he was gone). This despite two, maybe three years remaining on his contract.

Penis Over Brain had us bent over a barrel for nigh on a year – before he practically took a dump in it with his July 4th Declaration of Independence: the footballing equivalent of a ‘Dear John’ letter – and turned what should have been a routine contract extension into a drawn-out, messy divorce. (A divorce that left us with the house and the memories: he got to marry the home-breaking slut; and keep the kid. (Kid was a Man Utd supporter anyway, so, no loss there…)

Even as … Read More »

“Misery, distress, indigence, adversity, calamity, disgrace, deception, ruin.
It is a card in particular of unforeseen catastrophe.”

Hmmm. Maybe I need to find a more optimistic Tarot deck. It’s behaving rather like a black-bag-Gooner at present… The urge to ‘cheat’ and draw another card was almost irresistible, but I guess there is an Arsenal-appropriate lesson to be learned by accepting the hand I’ve been dealt, and making the most of it.

“Misery, disgrace, deception”

Do I wish that our traitorous captain hadn’t issued his foolish and ill-advised Independence Day statement? Yup. Do I regret that he backed his Manager, his Club, into a corner – forcing them to sell him to the only club that showed interest? Yes, sirree. And most of all: do I regret that that club was our sworn enemy? Of course I do.

I would have loved to have seen him be true to his many words, and only win trophies with his beloved childhood club. For a gray-haired, glass-ankled donkey, he sure had a great last season – “dragging us over the finish line” (with a little help from his friends…) But the donkey has joined the Dark Side and gone off to join Shrek at you-know-where. Too … Read More »

I’m not an Arsenal fan. Fans blow hot and cold. I’m an Arsenal supporter.

It’s different.

I was a fan of Olivia Newton-John for a week or two, back in the day – when she urged me to get Physical with her, flirting at me, upside down, from between her shapely leotarded legs. I’m not a fan anymore. And I walked through the rain singing Erasure’s “Sometimes” after a particularly messy adolescent breakup. That song’s not on my iPod anymore. Doubt it ever will be.

Fans are fickle. They lavish their attention on whatever tickles their fancy in that moment. (SQUIRREL!) They give you their undying devoted love forever. Or for the half life of a Seaborgium-266 isotope. Whichever comes first.

I’m in it for the long haul.

Supporting something means carrying it around with you forever. Like herpes.