Arsenal Cookbook (Part 1): Breakfast

Posted on October 4th, by invinciblog in Arsenal Cookbook, General, The Squad. No Comments



Eggs Hollandaise on Quinoa Pancake, with Venison Shiitake Ballotine,

marinated overnight in a Dalmatian Vinaigrette reduction, & lightly splashed with a

Ham & Wild Tomato Salpicon. Served with a steaming pot of Kopi Luwak.




Sorry. Option A has been cancelled.

The Hollandaise turned out to be rather stinky. (A lot of the Hollandaise product has been unreliable of late: goes from delicious and creamy to “off” in the flick of a skunk's tail.)

The Venison was poached (not in the culinary sense), and it's too late to order more.

Our Kopi Luwak production line is… um… how do I put this politely..? Constipated. (Anyone know of a good laxative for Javanese Palm Civets?)

So – instead – today we're going to make a meal out of that simplest, most traditional of breakfasts:



Fried Egg (Sunny Side Up), on Buttered Toast, with fresh Orange Juice.




You'll need the following ingredients:

  • 6 eggs
  • 3 oranges
  • 1 lb frozen butter
  • 1 thick-crusted artisan loaf
  • 1 pint of milk, in old fashioned bottle
  • 1 pinch of seasoning (preferably 2003/4)
  • 1 cup of oil (not motor oil, unless that's all you have)



  1. Take 2 of the eggs and toss them in the trash. We won't need them.
  2. Give an egg each to Mannone and Koscielny. We won't need those either.
  3. Give an egg to Gervinho. Then take it away from him and give it to Giroud.
  4. Give the final egg to Podolski.
  5. Find a piece of round, flat, metal (about the size of a beer coaster), and place this on the stove.
  6. Heat until red hot.
  7. Hold the milk bottle by the neck, then smash it on the counter.
  8. (Don't cry – we didn't need the milk.)
  9. Get Giroud to break his egg with one hand and carefully pour it through the neck of the broken milk bottle onto the glowing metal.
  10. When the egg explodes on contact with the metal, sigh loudly and roll your eyeballs.
  11. Take away Giroud's chef hat, and make him stand in the corner, facing the wall.
  12. Pour the cup of oil over the sizzling, eggy mess, just to make it worse.
  13. Once the flames have died down and the smoke has cleared, get your expensive, non-stick frying pan out of the cupboard, place it on the stove over low heat, and grease it lightly with a tablespoon of butter.
  14. As soon as the butter has melted, have Podolski gently break his egg into a saucer.
  15. Pour the egg carefully from the saucer into the pan, and let it cook slowly for about five minutes.
  16. When the albumen has turned milky-white and opaque, carefully slide the egg onto a plate.
  17. Leave it there to congeal and become inedible while we make the toast.
  18. Have Walcott remove the thick crust from the artisan loaf using vintage razor blades. This is extremely dangerous, and he's likely to cut himself, but it serves him right. (If he really wants to impress, now's his chance.)
  19. When Theo's done peeling the bread, slice it – carefully avoiding the pink bits.
  20. Toast the bread until golden brown, then cut into circular frisbees.
  21. Find a large, empty room
  22. Place the frozen butter in the center of the room.
  23. Have Jenkinson, Gibbs, Gervinho and Oxlade-Chamberlain sit in each corner.
  24. Give them each a pile of sliced frisbee toast.
  25. Have them butter the toast by flicking it across the room, lightly skimming the frozen butter in the center as it flies past.
  26. Instruct Cazorla, Diaby and Arteta to play “hacky-sack” with one of the oranges, until it is tender and juicy.
  27. Allow them ten minutes to pass the orange at least 600 times.
  28. Place the second orange in one of those tennis-ball-firing machines
  29. Fire it at Vermaelen. Have him try to header it into an 8 oz. glass from 6 feet.
  30. Give the third orange to Wilshere, along with an orange squeezer.
  31. Jack's a good boy. He'll know what to do.


That's it! You're done!


Now serve the breakfast lovingly to Arsenal bloggers. They'll find a way to make Option B seem like Option A.

(And vice-versa.)




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