Shakespeare (whoever that really is) was a very clever man. If he was alive today he’d probably be Aaron Spelling, and live in a fancy mansion in Bel-Air. (If he was a bit of a thug, he’d be Harvey Weinstein). I say this, because Shakespeare was way ahead of his time. He wrote some of Hollywood’s best screenplays before movie screens had even been invented.

Now, it’s important to note here that I’m not a historian. Or even a scientist. But I think it’s safe to assume that the main reason they didn’t bother inventing the movie screen back in the Dark Ages – remember, there was no electricity back then – is because they couldn’t find a candle big enough to project film without setting it on fire. (I’m sure medieval Edisons experimented frantically, and that there may even have been filmed evidence of these projection experiments, but sadly, the evidence would have been lost during the experiments themselves. So, alas, my theory can never be proved. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Shakespeare…)

There is another reason that Shakespeare were a very clever collective, and that reason is the inspiration of this blog. You see: each of Shakespeare’s screenplays had a character in it who everyone else thought was a fool. But – after all the poisoning, stabbing and cheating was done, after the final soliloquy had been delivered and the credits had rolled, after everyone had filed out of the movie-house, (carefully avoiding being seared by the giant candle…) – it suddenly struck you: that guy in the Stoke strip with the bells on his funny hat – the Fool – he was the wisest of the lot!

The Fool foretold what was going to go down two and a half hours ago! Way back in Act 3… And no-one believed him.

So, lest us Gunners go the way of all those Hamlets, Othellos and Lears, who ignored the fool at their peril: I’m going to turn to some contemporary fools, and apply their words of wisdom to the Arsenal. (Similar to what I’m attempting in my Tarot blogs, but hopefully with less angst.

Today’s fool is Jack Handey, and a here are a few of his “Deep Thoughts“, goonerfied.

Enjoy.

~<0>~

“The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.”

A buck-toothed Dutch kid may want to grow up to be an Arsenal Player, but what does an Arsenal Player want to be when he grows up?

Until Arsenal becomes the footballing equivalent of a Giant Monster Firestation, we can expect a certain amount of creepage*. (*The unavoidable loss of creeps who want to be giant monster firemen).

*

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess thats what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”

Everybody wants more money. More precisely: everybody wants more money than they can spend…

Pity that substitute benches don’t swing. People like Fabregas, Nasri, Clichy and Song could sit there during matches, rocking back and forth, thinking about how much more money actually costs.

*

“I think there should be something in science called the “Reindeer Effect”. I don’t know what it would be, but I think it’d be good to hear someone say, ‘Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the Reindeer Effect.’ “

Did you know that reindeer’s knees make a clicking sound, so that other reindeer can tell where they are in a blizzard? I didn’t either. Praise be to Google. Did you also know that male reindeer join new herds each September for the rutting season? Me neither.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

The Reindeer Effect: The persistent whining of money-grubbing footballers as their contracts wind down.

(Some notes on the Reindeer Effect as it concerns Arsenal: just because a reindeer’s knees are clicking, doesn’t mean he intends to rut off to our higher-paying opposition. He may just have bad knees.)

*

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

In fifty years time, when Robin van Persie is old and gray, he’ll be sitting in his big mansion, with his grandkids on his prosthetic knees, reminiscing about how he used to be a famous football player in the good old days of the Premier League. He’ll probably tell them what a legend he was at Arsenal. And they won’t believe him. Kids never do…

They’ll probably ask him something like: “Oh yeah? Where’s your statue, then?”

Yeah, Robin. Where’s your statue then, now that the money’s all spent?

*

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

To Lukas Podolski: “Fussball ist wie Schach, nur ohne Würfel”

(Football is like chess, only without the dice.)

Like I said. Fools rule.

***

This post is indebted to the foolish wisdom of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts”. All quotes used in this blog (except for the Podolski quote) are his, and used with permission.

Please visit invinciblog’s “Deep Thanks, Jack!” page here for more information.

Follow Us On Twitter: invinciblog: @invinciblog | batmandela: @AFC_Invincibles