Exclusive: Chelski “Smurfista Campaign” Fail!
It was supposed to be a no-brainer…
When the Chelski PR Department was approached by club owner, Noman Avramobitch, to devise a campaign to show the “ruthlessness” of the Chelski squad – some bright spark must have thought: “What better way to achieve this than to depict them performing grievous bodily violation to harmless cartoon characters?”
And so, the doomed “Smurfista” campaign was born.
Lured to a London photo studio under the impression that they were going to be featured in the 2013/14 Chelski Kit launch, three unsuspecting Smurfs arrived, full of smurfy cheer, and thrilled at the prospect to meet some genuine football stars.
Here’s what transpired:
Brainy Smurf: “We’re Arsenal fans, actually… but since we’ve been cursed with the blue skin gene, we knew the likelihood of ever appearing in an Arsenal campaign was slight. But the money was really good – so we decided to swallow our pride, and take the job. If only we’d known that our pride wasn’t all we’d have to swallow…”
Grouchy Smurf: “I really didn’t want to be involved. I can’t stand Chelski. They’ve always struck me as a bunch of slimeballs. Especially that J.T. character… You know I met him once. It was at the Champions League final of 2012. In the VIP men’s room.
“I’d just finished doing my business, and was walking out, when I heard strange grunting sounds coming from one of the stalls. Smurfs are a pretty inquisitive lot – so I decided to have a look-see.
“There was this guy in full Chelski kit, huffing and puffing, while stuffing shin-pads into his socks. That’s when I realized who it was. He looked up and caught me staring at him. And he said to me, “Oy! Who called you, you f—ing blue c*nt!?” It was shocking. I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.
“Anyway – the Ad Agency assured me that he wasn’t going to be at the shoot, so I figured what the heck. Take the money and run…”
Smurfette: “I should have known something was wrong when we came into the studio. The Chelski players were already there. The big one with the Shirley Temple curls. The one that looks like a pimply teenage girl. The short one that looks a bit like a hamster. And another cone-headed bloke.
“They were all rubbing stuff on their hands and forearms. Some kind of slimey goo. It smelled like strawberries.”
What happened next is best left to the imagination. The photographer shouted “Action!” and the unsuspecting Smurfs were set upon. The spotless white studio was soon spattered with blue Smurf… um… ‘juice’. The players were up to their elbows in it. Puddles of it covered the floor…
Grouchy Smurf: “I didn’t know what hit me. One of them grabbed me and… and… Put it this way – now I know what it’s like to be a ventriloquist’s dummy. It was awful.”
Brainy Smurf: “Thank God for the shock. I think it numbed us. It was mayhem. The big curly one was loving it. When the photographer shouted “Cut!”, he just kept going. Poor Smurfette. She’s been walking funny ever since.”
Smurfette: “I’ve been involved in some pretty interesting stuff over the years. It’s not easy being blue and beautiful. There’s always a kinky Captain Kirk out there who won’t take ‘No’ for an answer. But the Chelski photo shoot was something else. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
Luckily for the Smurfs, one of the Chelski PR interns notified the RSPCCC (Royal Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Cartoon Characters) that something untoward was taking place. An officer was dispatched, and arrived shortly on the scene.
The shoot was abandoned, and all of the pictures with Smurfs in them were confiscated. All, that is, except the one above, which was leaked to the Invinciblog newsdesk.
Pictures released recently by Chelski would indicate that they continued with the shoot after the RSPCCC and Smurfs had left the studio. Either that, or they photo-shopped the Smurfs out of the shot.
Sure – it looks like blue paint.
But now you know the dark past of The Smurfistas…
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Exclusive: Chelski "Smurfista Campaign" Fail! http://t.co/y9NoctySxK Not for sensitive viewers… Enjoy. Share?
— invinciblog (@invinciblog) June 7, 2013