Ladies and Gentlemen. Um… Gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Lord Atticus Barton-Shawcross. I am a retired SAS Colonel. I spent 23 years working in Covert Operations, until changes in modern warfare, introduced by chicken-shit – excuse my French – civilian commanders, severely curtailed our ability to operate in the effective manner to which we were accustomed.

The 'new rules' of combat essentially emasculated us, by introducing restrictive procedural guidelines, punitive post-operation review, and political oversight. Basically – we had our nuts removed, and replaced with estrogen-infused, non-toxic, hypo-allergenic potpourri pouches.

Killing people just wasn't fun any more. Which is why I left.

I started my own 'Private Security and Logistics' company. I sold toilet paper to the Armed Forces for $5.00 a roll. And then charged them $5.00 to remove the cardboard tubes when the paper was finished. Stuff like that. And I used the millions of dollars I made to create my own army. And get things done the old way, if you catch my drift.

In short – I found a way to do what I loved, however the frick I wanted, and get paid a lot of money doing it.

What the hell has this got to do with Football?

Allow me to explain.

Football is steadily becoming a sanitized, non-contact, equal-opportunity joke. It's a game played by over-paid, prancey, divey, fashionista, hairstyle mannequins. Basically it's like ballet, with a ball. It's for pussies.

You can't tackle from behind. You can't tackle with two feet. You can't touch anyone in the box. And the keeper's out of bounds. You've got players clutching their faces as if they'd had battery acid thrown in them. Dropping to the ground as if they'd been slugged by a sniper. Leaping and rolling, writhing and squirming. At the slightest touch. Sometimes not even that.

It's a joke. A farce.

You're becoming the WWF. But with fairies instead of orcs.

Fans are getting restless. They want action. Bone-crunching, wince-inducing action. Adrenaline. The fans pay your bills. And if you lose them, you've got nothing.

You, here assembled, have the power to take Football to a new level of entertainment. Part Sport, part Video Game, part X-Factor. Spice things up. Add an element of danger. Give the fans a little more control. Introduce some new technologies – and I'm not referring to goal-line technology here. Learn from the movies. Specifically “Hunger Games”.

Make Football interesting again. It'll be good for the fan, and great for your bottom line.

Here are a few match enhancements that I propose:

LANDMINES

A few strategically-placed landmines will really spice things up a bit. Nothing too over-the-top. Perhaps near the corner flag, so as to discourage time-wasting. Would definitely add to the suspense. Advancements in land-mine technology would assure that just a single player would be eliminated. Completely. No mess.

SUICIDE BOMBER STREAKERS

Nudity sells. Streakers are irritating. Kill two birds with one stone. Maybe more.

SNIPERS

A sniper or two would definitely keep players moving. Especially if their weapons were equipped with laser-sights. Nothing like a little green dot on your chest to keep you motivated.

BALL ROULETTE

Just to keep things exciting right from the get-go: the team that kicks off should choose from six balls, one of which would contain a touch-sensitive grenade.

BOO-METER

Noise-level meters around the stadium could register the amount of spectator dissent. Should a certain decibel reading be reached, an event would be triggered. Such as an execution.

Conversely – if the noise-level were to drop below a certain level, then randomly selected spectator seats would become fighter-jet-grade ejector seats. It would be a little bit like pop-corn, but with people.

(This would ensure continuous vocal crowd support, which is good for the atmosphere and encourages the players.)

SPIKED PIT

At half-time, fans would open under-seat envelopes. One lucky fan would be allowed to operate a pitch-side trapdoor, dropping a player/official (of their choice) into a pit of razor-sharp, poisoned stakes as they return for the second half.

Or, alternatively, spectators could “vote off” their least-favourite player, using electronic keypads installed at every seat. Same outcome: pit, spikes.

Some of you may be concerning yourself with the loss of your costly investments. Others will be seeing this for the opportunity it is: to rid yourself of expensive 'deadwood'. Tactical squad-selection could ensure that the quality of your teams is not affected by these entertainment enhancements.

A Casualty Limit could be set per game. No more than two combatants per team, per half would be my recommendation – otherwise a certain 'numbing' effect reduces the impact of the enhancements, and therefore lowers the entertainment factor.

My logistics company has the supplies and expertise to install and operate the enhancements immediately.

The Military-Industrial Complex has strong ties with the Penal System. Participants could be recruited or drafted from prisons.

Thank-you for your time and consideration.

Any questions?

-=•=-

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Ballet Enhancement War WWF X-Factor