Exclusive! Excerpts from Arséne Wenger’s personal diaries*… Le Prof, as you’ve never seen him before: Raw and exposed.

(*Not really)

What do you do when your throat’s on fire, your sinuses are exploding and your fever’s rising? You wake up in the middle of the night and write a haiku for each member of the Arsenal squad, that’s what. See if you can figure them all out…

I’m not the kind of person who lets facts and stats get in the way of what I believe. (You’ve probably realized that by now.) So I have to rely on other things to support my fantastical Arsenal theories, such as the Tarot, or silly quotes. That way, I’m always right, and no-one can argue with me or prove I’m an idiot.

Is it a bird? is it a plane? is it Superman? No, wait… It’s just dust on the lens…

Us Gunners are a passionate bunch. No doubt about it. And competitive rivalry between clubs is an essential part of being a supporter. But, in the same way that we run the club with solid principles, and play the game with a sense of style, so should we, I believe, conduct ourselves in an appropriate manner.

The Arsenal fairy tale du jour is that Ian Wright, Thierry Henry, Dennis Bergkamp AND Robin van Persie all opened their Arsenal league goal-scoring accounts against Southampton…

They say we are all dying from the moment we’re born. Likewise: from the moment a player signs for us, he is already heading for the door. I have a solution for this – which may sound harsh – but I do believe that if it is performed humanely, it may solve the problem…

Shakespeare (whoever that really is) was a very clever man. If he was alive today he’d probably be Aaron Spelling, and live in a fancy mansion in Bel-Air. (If he was a bit of a thug, he’d be Harvey Weinstein). I say this, because Shakespeare was way ahead of his time. He wrote some of Hollywood’s best screenplays before movie screens had even been invented.

Now, it’s important to note here that I’m not a historian. Or even a scientist. But I think it’s safe to assume that the main reason they didn’t bother inventing the movie screen back in the Dark Ages – remember, there was no electricity back then – is because they couldn’t find a candle big enough to project film without setting it on fire. (I’m sure medieval Edisons experimented frantically, and that there may even have been filmed evidence of these projection experiments, but sadly, the evidence would have been lost during the experiments themselves. So, alas, my theory can never be proved. Anyhow, I digress. Back to Shakespeare…)

There is another reason that Shakespeare were a very clever collective, and that reason is the inspiration of this blog. You see: each of Shakespeare’s screenplays had a … Read More »

Four of Cups: Weariness, disgust, aversion, imaginary vexations, as if the wine of this world had caused satiety only; another wine, as if a fairy gift, is now offered the wastrel, but he sees no consolation therein. This is also a card of blended pleasure. Contrarieties.

I'm constantly amazed by the card my iPad Tarot App spits up for me when I finally find the nerve to update this new Arsenal blog of mine. (By the way – in the event that you're a Gunner who has clicked on a link to this post from a trusted Twitter source – don't fret: you haven't accidentally stumbled on some vacuously whimsical Dark Arts weblog!)

Despite a carefully considered warning from the fantastically talented @arse2mouse – I have decided to plough on (rewardless) with the crazy idea of allowing a Tarot deck to dictate my invinciblog subject matter… Like sex, it was slightly daunting at first. But now I'm getting the hang of it, and starting to have fun with the new positions I'm presented. (Perhaps this blog would be more aptly called Crouching Gooner, Hidden Tarot!)

Apparently good sex involves a fair amount of extra-sensory perception. 😉 Knowing when to put this … Read More »

“Prudence, safety, success, accomplishment, certitude, discernment…”

Well, another D-Day comes and goes. The shelling stops and the casualties are counted. After the grief and the licking of the wounds, time to regroup and take stock. The battle is over, but the war has just begun…

Arsenal was under siege on numerous fronts before winter's curtain lifted, and summer's silly season began. The brain confirmed what the heart suspected: we once again had top-ranking double-agents in our midst, turncoats lured to our greatest adversaries by the promise of silver and gold.

We struck preëmptively, and secured potential deputies. We put ourselves in advanced positions for vital reinforcements and acquisitions. We seemed to have the ammunition and desire to reverse our misfortune – but ultimately, for reasons beyond our control, the opportunities came and went, and we had to remain content to merely hold our lines, and trust that we had enough firepower to get us through the rapidly approaching hostilities.

“Prudence, safety, discernment…”

Once again, we have a fanbase up in arms about our transfer window (in)activity. Despite the overt criticism of last year's panicky deadline day shopping spree, the Goonerverse clamoured for purchases which, in the light of a new day, … Read More »