Exclusive! Cazorla ‘Dive’ Thermal Imagery
Cazorla “Dive” Debate Permanently Settled
Once again sparking the debate over the introduction of goal-line and other technologies to the Barclays Premiere League, FIFA today released thermal imagery of the Reid-Cazorla challenge that occurred in the Emirates Stadium clash between Arsenal and West Bromwich Albion on 8 December 2012.
In the 26th minute of a fiercely contested contest, West Bromwich Albion defender Steven Reid was adjudged by referee Mike Jones to have brought diminutive Arsenal midfielder Santi Cazorla down in the penalty box. In real-time, it certainly seemed as though Reid had made contact with Cazorla, sweeping the wily Spaniard’s standing foot out from beneath him. However, countless replays seemed to indicate that there was no contact at all, much to the delight of tossfuck Arsenal-hating presenters everywhere
After the game. Albion coach Steve Clarke asserted that there was “Zero contact. not even close.” He went further to suggest that Albion were in complete control of the match, biding their time to crush an under-performing Arsenal, and that the penalty decision had regrettably ruined the game. When asked about the incident, under-fire Arsenal manager Arséne Wenger replied that “Santi told me he had been tackled and had lost his balance. He might have made a lot of it.”
The internet and social media have been rife with criticism of Santi Cazorla – comparing the Spaniard to Spurs’ serial wingnut diver, Gareth Bale, and Liverpool’s leaping cannibal, the toothy Luis Suarez. Cazorla insists that Reid made contact with him, despite the apparent lack of evidence in the action replays. The “did he, or didn’t he” debate continues to escalate, with supporters of other clubs lambasting Gooners, despite Arsenal fans’ open condemnation of the incident.
This morning, FIFA released thermal imagery of the incident, hoping to put an end to the mindless, hypocritical bickering. According to FIFA Technology Director, Septic Bladder, the image above was filmed at super-high-speed by the pitch-side HOTSPOT2000 thermal image camera, which FIFA have been testing in preparation for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.
Septic explains, “The reason that action replays seemed to indict [Señor Cazorla], is because of the slow frame-rate of the Television cameras used to film the event. They were simply not quick enough to capture the lightning-quick actions of these world-class footballers. It is pure coincidence that [FIFA] happened to be testing a prototype TIC at The Emirates in preparation for the 2014 World Cup.”
He added, “Equipped with a 5000mm zoom lens, thermal sensors sensitive to 1/10 000th of a degree, and recording action at a remarkable 1000 frames per second – the HOTSPOT2000 is in a class of its own. This seemed like the perfect time to introduce this technology to the footballing world. It is because of precisely situations like these, that FIFA is moving forward with the development and incorporation of modern technologies into the game. Oh, and also because the FIFA Board of Directors get huge kick-backs from the companies that manufacture these products.”
So – hopefully all those haters out there who want to slander the good name of our club and its players, can shut their festering gobs once and for all. Arsenal is a club of principles. Don’t try and drag us into the stinking sewers of your gamesmanship.
VERDICT: no dive.
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— invinciblog (@AFC_Invincibles) December 9, 2012