Change Ain’t Gonna Come: Football. Technology. Power.


Posted on December 11th, by batmandela in FIFA, Fools Rule, Opinion. No Comments

There is only one thing standing between Football and the adoption of essential technologies, which have proved so effective in other major competitive sports, such as Tennis, Rugby and Cricket. That thing is a wrinkly, bald-headed, big Swiss cheese named Septic Bladder (Name changed to protect identity) – the President of football governing body, FUFA (Name changed to protect identity).

Learning of my efforts in trying to understand why there was such a resistance to the introduction of modern technologies into Football, WikiLeaks supplied me with the following confidential document: purloined from the digital bowels of FUFA (Name changed to protect identity). I’m not a Human Resources Expert, but suffice it to say that my analysis of the following document, completed by a certain Septic Bladder (Name changed to protect identity), has led me to the conclusion that the likelihood of change is minimal, since the likelihood of replacing Septic Bladder (Name changed to protect identity) is non-existent.

This means we’ll have to put up with poor referee and assistant referee decisions for the foreseeable future. We will, of course, be getting goal-line technology, which has proved useful in 0.00001% of all games of football ever played. Whoop-de-do!

(Loosely translated from the original Swiss)

 _______________________________________

RESISTANCE TO CHANGE WORKSHEET

The following factors affect how an individual or an organization reacts to change.

 

PERSONAL FACTORS:

Name: Septic Bladder (Name changed to protect identity)

Age: 75

Sex: You kidding me? Of course. Except when at altitude > 3000m above sea level. (Heart can’t take it. That’s why we don’t have matches up there in the nose bleeds! Jets don’t count. Duh!)

Education: Degree in Economics and Business; School of soft knocks; Married boss’s daughter.

Marital status: Divorced; Divorced; Divorced; TROUT; $_$ (OPM); FS BHM ISO YBBF RTS; (Single & luvving it.)

Experience: Sleazy, but financially gratifying. Hang on… You mean sex or my job?

Time in the same job: 37 years. 14 as Top Dong. I mean Dog.

Occupation: Head Honcho. Malevolent Dictator (Just Kidding!); El Presidente; Datuk Seri; Wedding Singer

Other (Explain): I speak seven languages: English, French, German, Spanish, Italian, German, Cash!

JOB RELATED FACTORS:

Number of Subordinates: 208 member associations. 310 employees. A few million players. A few thousand referees. Who’s counting?!

Breadth of Activity: Where balls are involved, so am I.

Degree of Autonomy: (see ‘Occupation’ above…)

Amount of Job Security: My poison box keeps me safe. LOL. Also have a lot of support from friends in low places.

Availability of Slack Time: Depends what it’s for… Nudge, nudge.

Prestige of Position: A lot. I chew the fat where the in-crowd chew.

Variety of Work: Lording; dictating; gaffe-ing; jetting; decreeing; faux pas-ing; spending; spending; laughing all the way to the banking; hobnobbing; other stuff you wouldn’t understanding; spending; adding important stuff to my poison boxing. Stuff like that. (It’s complicated.)

Other (Explain): Knight of the French Legion of Honour; Order of the National Olympic Committee; Bahrain Medal of the First Degree; Japan’s “Grand Cordon of the Order of the Rising Sun”; South Africa’s “Order of Good Hope”; Honorary Doctorate in Philosophy from the Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University in Port Elizabeth. Plus plus plus… So what’s to explain? Don’t fuck with me haha!

ORGANIZATIONAL FACTORS:

Size: Like the Beatles said: it’s getting bigger all the time.

Structure (Degree of Centralization): If FUFA (Name changed to protect identity) was the solar system, I guess you could say I am the Sun. Or maybe “dark matter”. I dunno. Whichever’s bigger. I’m not a physicist.

Autonomy from Outside Political Pressure: Did I mention my poison box yet?

Funding/Budget: $1. 1 Billion. And I sign the cheques. Oh yeah!

Recognition: I’m the bald, fat guy in all the pictures. They call me the “Photobomb Emperor”. Whatever that is. Sounds good, though, no?

Reward System: Ve haf vays und means. Haha. That means we have ways and means. Which means I have ways and means. Haha. Gettit?

Age of the Organization: Which came first? The chicken or the egg? FUFA (Name changed to protect identity)or football? That’s a hard one. We’re older than God.

Prestige: You mean the sleight-of-hand magic trick? Haha. I can def make money disappear. LOL.

Other (Explain): Let it be as it is and let’s leave football with errors. The television companies will have the right to say the referee was right or wrong, but still the referee makes the decision – a man, not a machine./

 

 

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