Don’t Blame Arsenal. Blame God. Here’s Why…


Posted on November 24th, by batmandela in Fools Rule, General, Opinion. 4 comments

First a disclaimer: I’m not a lawyer.  I’m honestly not sure being a lawyer would make any difference anyway. Note: writing “I’m honestly not sure” should prove that I’m not a lawyer.

I have assembled (and dissected) a number of Universal Laws in an attempt to explain why Arsenal behaves like it does. Hopefully at the end of it all you’ll arrive at the same conclusion I did. Namely:

· It’s not Arsenal’s fault. These are Universal Laws. Therefore it’s the Universe’s board, owner and manager that should be fired. Good luck with that.

· Since things are beyond our control, the best we can do is sit back, pour a mug of our favourite dram and enjoy the ride. (Actually – a mug of dram may not be conducive to enjoying the ride. Since this particular ride is a Goonercoaster.)

I have also made up a few Universal Laws of my own. Because I am God around here. [My Laws are in square brackets.]

Enjoy!

 -=•=-

Parkinson’s Laws

First Law: Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion.

Arsenal’s modus operandi in recent years seems to be: spending the first two thirds of the season setting up increasingly impossible goals, and then, in the final third miraculously achieving them. Fortunately for us, we are often* assisted by the inexplicable and untimely implosion of our closest rivals.

Unfortunately for Gooners, this means our disposable income shrinks to meet the rising cost of shrinks. (See 2nd Law, below…)

*Often. Not always… (AC Milan didn’t appear to get the memo in the 2011/12 Champions League competition.)

Second Law: Costs increase to match income.

· Depth on the bench is directly proportional to a rise in serious injuries.

· Squad stability triggers key player exodus.

Third Law: Expansion = Complexity; Complexity = Decay.

Emirates Stadium -> ‘Fiscal Responsibility’ -> Diminished Performance -> Unhappy Fans -> ?

Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group increases regardless of the amount of work to be done.

We now have five people doing the job one person did last season for thrice the price. I know that’s not the correct interpretation of the law stated above – but it’s kinda bizarre, isn’t it? (I’ll let you guess what job I’m referring to…

Fifth Law: If an important decision can be delayed, the good bureaucracy (public or private) will delay it.

I wouldn’t call them a ‘good bureaucracy’ exactly… or even a ‘benevolent dictatorship’… but our toady board sure took long enough to realize what our club is worth in commercial sponsorship deals.

If they’d taken care of business properly a decade ago, the Emirates might have the cheapest tickets in the league, instead of the most expensive.

Oh – and maybe we would be able to afford the best players in the world. Especially since they’re in our squad already.

Sixth Law: Science’s progress is inversely proportional to the number of journals published.

Arsenal’s achievements are inversely proportional to the number of journalists predicting our downfall.

[Van Persie’s Law of Trumps]

Money trumps loyalty.

Penis Over Brains

The Child Inside rules.

Maier’s Law

If the facts don’t support the theory, ignore them.

I find it rather interesting to hear that ‘sensitive’ or ‘inappropriate’ questions are a avoided/censored at Arsenal AGMs. (If that’s not the case – having never attended one – I stand corrected…)

Here are a few Arsenal fact-slaying theories:

· Wenger has all the money he wants to spend during transfer windows.

· FFP will benefit Arsenal and make us competitive once more.

· Arsenal is self-sustaining.

And a few of the Media’s fact-slaying theories:

· Arsenal will not qualify for Champions League this year.

· Tottenham will finish above Arsenal.

· Arsenal are chokers.

· Arsenal can’t defend.

· Arsenal are nothing without van Persie.

· Our players leave because they want trophies. (Not money.)

· Wenger’s days are numbered.

Corollary 1: The bigger the theory, the better.

· We can win the league with only one striker.

· We can win the league with a 3rd choice keeper.

· Our star players will renew their contracts. If they do: great. If they don’t: great.

Corollary 2: The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory.

· You just need to have a look at the clubs that are on FIFA’s watch-list to know that FFP is unlikely to have any effect on Football’s serial offenders.

Hutber’s Law

“Improvement” = deterioration.

See Parkinson’s 3rd Law (above).

One man’s improvement is another man’s deterioration. The value of Arsenal shares has certainly risen. So have ticket prices.

[Howard Jones’ Law]

No-one ever is to blame.

· Definitely not Wenger

· Maybe the ref. Or the pitch. Or the international break.

· Or Almunia

[Wenger’s Law of Interviews]

The flippancy of the answer is inversely proportional to the seriousness of the question.

Vague is the new Specific.

The Laws of Thermodynamics (Simplified)

1. You can’t win

2. You can’t break even

3. You can’t get out of the game

Pretty self-explanatory, when it’s put like that.

Murphy’s Law

If it can go wrong, it will.

Nah. Surely not?

Sod’s Law

It will go wrong at the most inopportune moment.

· Players put at risk during meaningless International ‘friendlies’.

· Your ball? My ball? Whoops. Goal.

· Noooo! Only John Terry should be allowed a faceplant when last line of defence.

· Blind linesman. Biased ref.

· Meteor.

[Gervinho’s Uncertainty Principle]

You can know the speed of the ball, but not the direction. And vice-versa. And versa-vice.

Le Chatelier-Braun Principle

If any change is imposed on a system in equilibrium, the system will change in such a way as to counteract the imposed change.

· Bould tightens up our defence: our forwards forget how to score.

· Our attack peaks: our defence leaks.

The Bureaucrat’s Credo

I cause change therefore I am.

If a rich Russian club owner fires his manager in a forest and there’s no-one there to witness it, does he give a flying toss? Nope. Didn’t think so… Next!

The First Law of Toxicology

The poison is in the dose.

The guy we get to replace the one we’re not happy with will precipitate the brown stuff really hitting the fan.

[Vermaelen’s Paradox]

Being Captain and being reliable are mutually exclusive.

Law of Unintended Consequences

Actions have unintended effects. (Which outweigh the intended effects.)

· Theo leaves Arsenal because Wenger won’t play him as a striker. Theo joins Liverpool. And is played on the wing.

· Alex Song is transferred because of something amounting to a hissy fit. No biggie. His BFF Bacary Sagna starts eyeing the door…

Evans’ Law of Inadequate Paranoia

No matter how bad you think things are, they’re worse.

Déjà vu. We beat Sp*rs 5-2. Qualify for CL. Settle back for a cruise up the table (like last season).

What could possibly go wrong?

[Wenger’s Law of Cause and Effect]

The trajectory of the water bottle is related to the idiocy of the ref.

A loss is just a negative win. No cause for alarm. A win is just a negative loss. No cause for celebration.

UEFA bans are random events.

The Law of Targets

A level set as a target maximum becomes the de facto minimum, and vice versa.

This one really floored me: Champions League qualification… Finishing above Sp*rs… We have to set our sights higher.

Perhaps someone needs to explain this Law to the powers-that-be? (Even if they just pretend to set sights higher…)

These Laws don’t break easily.

[Kroenke’s Law of Acquisition]

Sell the thing you are buying to pay for the thing you are buying.

The Law of Experiments

The first trial always produces a result that is bizarre and points to a great scientific breakthrough.

You play Gervinho at centre- forward. Scoring ensues.

First Corollary: The effect never reappears in any subsequent trials.

You play Gervinho at centre-forward. Snoring ensues.

Second Corollary: In fields such as parachute testing there is only one trial.

The operation was a success, but the patient died. We get rid of the board, the manager and the owner. And whoops! The club.

The Law of Computer Models

Results from computer models reflect the desires and expectations of the modellers.

Statistics support arguments. Statistics are facto-numerical guns-for-hire. Glass half full? Or empty? Depends who’s looking. See here.

The First Law of Journalism

Readers have short memories.

So do fans. Unless it doesn’t suit them. Then they remember stuff from eight years ago. (See The Law of Computer Models, above…)

[Arsenal’s Law of Opportunities]

Never miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

The Law Of It

Whatever “it” is, someone will find a way of making money out of it.

Except Arsenal, of course. Unless “it” involves making cents and losing dollars.

The Law of Scientific Equilibrium

If it is settled it is not science. If it is science it is not settled.

Kinda like Arsenal’s motto: Everything will be OK in the end. If it’s not OK, it’s not the end.

Gershwin’s Law

It ain’t necessarily so.

 

-=•=-

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4 responses to “Don’t Blame Arsenal. Blame God. Here’s Why…”

  1. avatar mel ber says:

    Law is a very inexact science!

  2. avatar Dom says:

    It’s always god who gets the blame isn’t it, yet when something good happens you say it is down to luck. God gave us free will, it is down to us to not take advantage of it.

    • avatar batmandela says:

      Sorry Dom, but with all due respect: I am an atheist. I don’t really blame God because I don’t think she exists. And if she did, I’m sure she’d have better things to do with her time than bother with football.

      Thanks for the comment anyway. Peace!

  3. avatar batmandela says:

    Thanks to eagle-eyed Arsanal fan @Digant13 for pointing out that “Strictly speaking velocity is a vector. Speed would be a more accurate term here. Sorry for the physics nazi-ing.”

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