Shocking Revelation: The Inevitable Fall of Manchester!


Posted on September 22nd, by batmandela in General, Opinion. 3 comments

I’m not the kind of person who lets facts and stats get in the way of what I believe. (You’ve probably realized that by now.) So I have to rely on other things to support my fantastical Arsenal theories, such as the Tarot, or silly quotes. That way, I’m always right, and no-one can argue with me or prove I’m an idiot.

There is plenty of other evidence out there on which to base an argument: you just have to know where to look, and how to see. Free yourself from the needless shackles of truthiness, the tediousness of proof and justification; forget everything you were ever taught in school about logic, or the scientific method. To really see things clearly – unmasked by stuff like evidence or historical precedent, you have to think like a kid.

Which got me thinking about nursery rhymes, and what they really mean.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

At first, this seemed obvious to me: Humpty Dumpty represents the two Manchester clubs – City are most likely Humpty, since they recently got over the hump of their 42 year trophy drought…

… Wait a second! Let’s just contemplate that for a minute: 42 years! That’s 6 times longer than Arsenal’s current dry spell. We could have kids, and their kids could have kids in that time, making us great-grandparents! If we were Raheem Sterling our kid’s kid’s kids could have kids. I kid you not. Arsene Wenger will be 99 years old if we give him another 35 years to deliver. Now, I know he’s a health nut, but that may be stretching it a bit…

Anyhow, I digress. So: City are Humpty, therefore making United Dumpty. Which makes sense for a number of reasons:

  • Old Trafford is a dump
  • SAF is fond of taking a dump on his players at halftime
  • Dumps attract scavengers. Skunks are scavengers. RVP is a skunk.

Quod erat demonstrandum, baby.

So there they are – Humpty and Dumpty – perched up on their wall – a wall made of giant wads of cash – gloating. The wall is obviously the Premier League Table and they are sitting on top of it, having bought the top spots, like billionaire squatters that you’re not allowed to go Waco on. But that’s OK. Sit there. Gloat away… The nursery rhyme is only a quarter of the way through.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

What’s that, you say? A great fall? Ah, good! It was inevitable really, since that wall they were perched on isn’t really real, because money isn’t really real, as illustrated by the following tale:

John Terry stops at a brothel, puts a €100 bill on the counter, and goes in to inspect the talent. The Madam takes the bill and rushes off to pay the Vice Squad captain, whom she owes €100 in bribes. The captain races to his drug-dealer and pays off his €100 marijuana debt. The drug-dealer hurries to the farmer and gives him €100 for the weed he bought. The farmer hands over €100 to the loan shark who lent him money to pay the mortgage on his farm. The loan shark heads to the brothel to pay the €100 he owes for services previously rendered and lays the bill on the counter. At that point, Terry returns to the front desk, says that the whores are unsatisfactory, calls the Madam a “f*#%ing black c~nt” just for the hell of it, picks up his €100, and departs. Terry has his money back, and everyone else is €100 ahead…

So, once the illusion of bought success wears off, City and United go crashing to the bottom of the table. (Were they pushed by Arsenal? I’d like to think so – since we are practically the only voice in the wilderness preaching the pitfalls of big money in football…) In any case – how it happens is not important. Just that it happens.

All the King’s horses and all the King’s men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Everyone knows that Sheikh is Arabic for King, and that those Etihadis are fond of their horses, so it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who the nursery rhyme is referring to in those last two lines. The main thing is that Humpty and Dumpty are permanently broken, and no amount of money or power can repair their sorry arses.

Now at the top of this analysis, I said, “At first, this seemed obvious to me…”

I should have just let it rest there: the downfall of the Mancunian überclubs, predicted so succinctly by an ancient children’s ditty. But no! Alas! That darned grown-up inside me – brainwashed into believing that using one’s brain is preferential to relying on one’s gut – had to go and research what “Humpty Dumpty” really meant. Just in case there was an even juicier interpretation predicting an even sorrier demise for our sworn enemies.

Rue the day. For the origins of the rhyme turn out rather differently; and my random, childish, selection of “Humpty Dumpty” may have unsuspectingly revealed a cautionary warning for our beloved Arsenal. If you’re curious, read on. But remember, curiosity killed the cat…

Humpty Dumpty was actually the colloquial name for a massive cannon (Yikes!), protecting the Royalist town of Colchester from the Parlementarians, during the English Civil War (1642 – 1649)

Events that occurred during the 1648 Siege of Colchester are apparently well-documented:

  • On June 15th, a large cannon was mounted on the roof of St. Mary’s church, immediately adjacent to eastern city walls. The cannon was manned by a gent named ‘One-Eyed Jack Thompson’.
  • On July 14th, the Royalist stronghold of St. Mary’s is blown to pieces by the Parliamentarian Roundheads, and ‘Humpty Dumpty’ plummets to the ground. The King’s Cavaliers attempt to repair the cannon, reassemble it, and drag it atop the city walls, but it is too large and cumbersome. This has drastic consequences…
  • August 28th: no longer able to drive off the enemy, the Royalists finally succumb, after an eleven week siege, and surrender the strategically vital town of Colchester to the Roundheads

Some minstrel wise-ass – the Bob Dylan of his day, no doubt – then saw fit to pen the rhyme that is the subject of this blog. A blog of two halves, you might call it.

Because this new information, based on stupid facts and actual research has gone and ruined a perfectly pleasing interpretation. I’ve gone and opened Pandora’s box, and as a self-respecting Nursery Rhyme Interpreter I now have to answer all the questions that arise from this new historical evidence.

Is Humpty Dumpty Arsenal?

Well. Since Humpty Dumpty was probably a cannon, and Arsenal has a great big fat cannon in its crest, I guess one might draw that conclusion. As hard as I try, I can’t seem to spin it any other way. Damn.

Is ‘One-Eyed Jack Thompson’ Arséne Wenger?

Wenger definitely has a reputation for seeing only what he wants to see. He’s been blindsided before. By players he thought were loyal. And by often relying on the same, failed tactics he’s been accused of being short-sighted and stubborn. So, yes, okay – there is possibly a resemblance.

Is Arsenal Royalist?

Well. Arsenal FC started out as Dial Square, formed by workers from the Royal Arsenal in Woolwich. But apart from that – we have absolutely no Royalist connections. None.

Well, some… 🙁

Is Arsenal sitting on a wall?

Um. Whaddya mean? Yes, sometimes we do seem to sit a bit. You know: not doing much when we should be doing a lot. But “sitting on a wall“..? What does that mean, anyway? It’s not like we’re propped up by anything, except the philosophy of our manager, perhaps, or the hope that FFP will save us from mediocrity.

That’s totally irrelevant. Doesn’t apply to us. Far more likely that the ‘wall’ is a great big wall of money. Which we are definitely not sitting on…

Is Arsenal going to have a great fall?

Depends what you mean by ‘fall’. There is strong evidence to suggest that the original word in the rhyme was “windfall”. I just can’t seem to find it right now. Remember these rhymes have been translated in and out of English so many times, perhaps there is some wiggle-room. Like the Bible, you know. Transcription errors. Typos and all that. A lot of those monasteries had breweries. Mistakes happen…

What about “all the King’s horses and men” and all that?

Come on! Enough of this childish nonsense. As Ricky Gervais points out: who sends horses to put together anything?! They don’t even have opposable thumbs. And besides – why send all of them? You’re just asking for trouble!

These nursery rhymes are silly and meaningless. A practically random collection of words, linked only by the aural pleasure taken in their sonic juxtaposition. They’re just gibberish.

Forget I ever brought it up.

 





3 responses to “Shocking Revelation: The Inevitable Fall of Manchester!”

  1. avatar RAVI says:

    great article. humpty dumpty will be giving me nightmares!!!

  2. avatar Chrispen says:

    Arsene Wenger is certainly one-eyed but as for the rest, I don’t know.

  3. avatar Robin says:

    You got me on this one mate! Totally hilarious… Funny how research can turn round and bite you in the foot.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *