Fools Rule (Part 2) – On Branding
“During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.” ~ Jack Handey
In this Age Of Pig Troughery, where enough is never enough – it is no longer reasonable to assume that a player with 2 or 3 years remaining on his contract is going to be with the Arsenal for 2 or 3 more years.
They say we are all dying from the moment we’re born. Likewise: from the moment a player signs for us, he is already heading for the door. I have a solution for this – which may sound harsh – but I do believe that if it is performed humanely, it may solve the problem:
When a player signs for the club, we brand the Arsenal crest on their forehead.
Now I hear some of you tweeting, “OMG. That’s 2 harsh! Y U NOT just use TAT2? U saddisstick @*#%!!!!!”
Here’s why: because, like contracts, tattoos aren’t worth the skin they’re written on nowadays. The advent of tattoo eraser lasers has made them about as permanent as a Dirty Sanchez. And everyone knows that today’s Fashionista footballers all have their own tattoo artists (and hairstylists) – so, no… Tattoos are not the sign of commitment they used to be.
So branding it HAS to be, I’m afraid.
A humanely administered brand would definitely help separate the wannabe-Gunners from the gonnabe-Goners. Besides – players and agents are familiar with branding already. It’s got positive connotations. Branding = $$$. Branding = A Good Thing.
All it would take is a simple addition to the front page of a signing player’s contract. If worded properly, it may not even raise any red flags. The important thing is to make sure there is no hint of pain, because as we all know, footballers are highly allergic to pain.
Now, I’m not a lawyer – but I’ve done some studying at Internet University and I’ve come up with the proper legalese wording. So if Arsenal Inc. want to just copy-and-paste this into their existing contract, that’s fine by me. I’d be glad to help…
- (a) By signing this contract, the PLAYER hereby agrees to allow CLUB to manage all BRANDING-related decisions pertaining to the player.
Simple, huh! Problem solved. In less than a tweet, we could potentially stop the creepage*.
- Brand shall be proportional to size of forehead. (This would prevent the brand from being ‘lost’ in excess cranial real estate. Gervinho, I’m looking at you.)
- Brand may occasionally be more ornate and flowery than absolutely necessary, depending on whether the club has some special Anniversary or something. That’s just the way it is. Sorry.
- Special branding techniques may be used to enhance the competitivity of the player. Similar to advances in condom design, Brands may be ribbed, dotted, perhaps even glow-in-the-dark. Some experimentation may be necessary, but that’s what the Youth Academy is there for, right?
- The CLUB should be wary of signing players that look like they’ve already been branded. Sorry – no offence, Lescott and Ribery.
- At least the Arsenal logo is pretty cool. It’s got Guns and things. Cool ‘boy stuff’. (It even says “FORWARD” on it, which is a happy coincidence).
- If all CLUBS adopted our patented Branding Technology, our cool cannon logo would give us an additional advantage over other clubs. I mean, let’s face it: who would want a Cock and Ball logo burnt onto their dome? I know I wouldn’t. It’s got “teabagger” written all over it.
- We could license cranial real estate to corporations. So for instance, The Greatest Striker Who Ever Lived could have Paddy Power branded on his forehead, thereby avoiding hefty FIFA fines for illegal underwear. (As long as it doesn’t interfere with the crest, of course.)
- We could also make great strides towards really stamping out Racism, by allowing a Branding Tribunal to administer branding punishments to convicted offenders. So Suarez and Terry would have the word “RACIST” branded beneath their poncy Goose/Teddy Bear crests.
As I said – as long as the Brand is applied humanely – perhaps under anaesthetic? – I don’t see why there would be any resistance to it. It gives players who continually profess their loyalty an opportunity to put their forehead where their mouth is.
And I think that would be a good thing.
*creepage ~ The unavoidable loss of creeps who want to be giant monster firemen. See “Fools Rule (Part 1)
Once again, I am indebted to Mr. Jack Handey for permission to use his “Deep Thoughts”.